AN ACTUAL PERSONAL AD:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me In Downtown Savannah night before last

Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43   a.m.  E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after youpulled the knife on me and my girlfriend,threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

 First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually nonsense in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my  jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My   girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.  Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... Isn't it?!

 I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from  with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm   sure it was even worse walking bare-footed  since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

 After I called your  mother or "Momma" as you had her  listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and  filled up my gas tank as well as those of  four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely  grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet   into the big pink "pimp mobile"   that was parked at the curb .... After I broke  the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Later,  I managed to get in two threatening  phone calls with your cell phone to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President  Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really   intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

 In a way,  perhaps I should apologize for not killing you. But I feel this type of retribution is  a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather  immediate pressing issues, and can only hope  that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember,  next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,Alex