1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer.  Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit  bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up bad.  I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood.  Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside.  Be right back.

Cooter