Hi guys, I'm going to post tomorrow about what else happened on the tape and what has happened since. I just needed a few days to get my mind straight about how my life is going to change. Thanks

Wow!! All I can say is you are a bigger person, then any one I know. You held your cool, for your kids. And thats awesome. Your wife sounds like a witch. The fact that she wasn't even upset at what she had been doing, is messed up. I hope that everything goes your way, because you sounds like the better parent for your kids. Just wondering if you knew your wife was also interested in women? I know some people don't see that as cheating. I do though.

There is a lot of nonsense that goes on behind closed doors. When I was 16/17 I had a tutor, and her and her husband did cocaine, smoked weed, and were swingers. My parents didn't find out until, they suduced me, and I had accidently told someone about it. My parents were shocked, never knew that kind of stuff was going on. It was a he/she said thing though, so have my family still doesn't believe it happened.

Well another thing, about 3 weeks ago, I heard my mom and grandma talking about swingers. Well my mom was telling her about how they used to have friends, that they played tennis with, etc, and the kids used to play with thier kids. Well the whole time I was trying to figure out who she was talking about, because I knew what she was suggesting. Well to make a long story short. I found out that my best friends parents, wanted to "mess around" with my parents. EWWWWWW luckily my parents never told me that until now. I just thought we were two normal familys that hung out, and had fun. But they had a motive to "suduce" my parents. Yuck.

But anyways, my point is, theres a lot of messed up stuff that goes around behind closed doors.

If his wife loved him at all she wouldn't have hurt him this way. I certainly don't want that type of so called love. Your husband should be your best friend and you should be able to discuss anything with them.  It's infidelity, it's dishonest and it's cheating anyway you look at it. 

Gerard,
  You certainly have alot of self controll.  You're children are lucky to have you as their father.
  Please don't be too hard on your friend. He sounds like he really needs a good friend with a manipulative wife like his. He is sure to have alot of heartache as long as he stays with her.
  Best of luck to you!
 
 

And don't forget the STD testing, Ger!

http://www.metrokc.gov/health/glbT/lbstd.htm

I was going to stay outta this thread but changed my mind.. 

First to gerard, Im sorry you are going through this. Its awful when a spouse cheats. I hope you can find a way to atleast stay friendly with your wife for the kids..

As for the other topics that popped up in here... more than half of all marriages end in divorce. for various reason's. Having a different lifestyle doesn't necessary mean you will get divorced, especially considering that a lot of divorces are because of heterosexual affairs. If two people want to be swingers, they both agree to it, so what. That doesn't make them bad, doesn't make them bad parents either.  cheating is hurtful, whether its with the same sex or not.. one isn't worse than the other in my opinion.

Not everyone thinks the same way about things, thats understandable, how boring it would be if we did. 

(((((Hugs)))) Tiff. I'm very sorry you went through that.

Tiff ~ hon ~ you know I love you and I am sorry that you went through what you did.  Wanted to put that in.....


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Last warning before things get nasty again and I have to lock the thread ~ back on topic okay...

You had a right to respond!  No worries...just trying to get back on topic...and I am the world's worst at taking a thread in the wrong direction ~ lol!

100% Agreed.... As a man Ger, you have feelings too, not just your wife (or women for that matter).. men have emotions and feelings too, and something like this in my opinion is pure devistation, especially when you said you never would have thought if anyone would do something like this, it would be her.. you said yourself in your original post, you thought it would be you .... and when that proved to be the exact opposite, apparently reality set-in for you .... you hurt because you were betrayed and you love the one who did it... and you both have ties... kids ....  whatever decision you make Ger.... make it the right one... like i said earlier... make decisions for yourself and not for the people around you ... you know what's best for you and the kids .... whatever it is , good luck and again, we are here for ya... SA has always been here for me ...... and now we are here for u..... PM anyone of us if need be..... try and be strong and think logically, it's all you got

How so?  Do they forget to feed them or something?  How exactly does it affect their parenting?  Deception can mean a lot of things.  I deceive my hubby every so often by telling him we're out of butter just so I can go clothes shopping.  Does that equate to me not being able to parent?  Or by being a bad parent?

I'm not talking about her children walking in on her.  That would be devastating to a child I agree.  I am asking how does it affect her day-to-day parenting of her children?  Why should she be stripped of her right to her children because she had an affair and how does having an affair keep her from being a good, nurturing mother?  She's an irresponsible mother at best for having an affair.  Not a bad one.  You having an affair does not equate to you being a bad mother who can't go on raising her children the same as she has.  It doesn't affect her parenting whatsoever. 

I don't think you guys are getting what I'm saying.  It makes her a poo wife for having an affair and it makes her an irresponsible mother for breaking up the family, but it does not affect her ability to parent her children.  None whatsoever.  She can still cook, clean, help with homework, take them to practice, and love them and nurture them.  To me, a bad mother would be a mother who neglects her kids.  A mother who neglects her kids while smoking crack and leaving them to fend for themselves.  A mother who continues to turn the other cheek when her children are being abused and/or molested.  Those are examples of bad mothering.  Having an affair is not one of them.

Miki, thanks for being honest and I'm glad you agree.  I was starting to wonder why I was the only one viewing it this way.  I must not have explained my stance on it very well. 

Ripping her children away from her doesn't just punish her, it more so punishes the children.  That too is not right and is devastating for the children as well.

I don't post much about my personal life experience because well, it's personal.  I really don't see much of anyone posting personal life experiences/mistakes/incidents so, I'm going to be the first.

Years ago, hubby had a fling.  I found out about it and kicked him out.  Mother took him in LOL  Anyways, while he was at work I got to thinking, darn!  What about the boys?  This ain't gonna work.  Hubby had always put the boys first.  Loved them more than he loved himself.  Got up in the middle of the night with them, fed them, changed them, came home to us every night for the past 6 years, you name it.  Not just a great dad but a hands-on dad.  I had to make some decisions, not just take my sweet time deciding what I was gonna do about the affair, but about how I was going to make it work for him and the boys.  There was no way I was going to rip them from their dad.  There was no way I was going to deduce hubby's parenting to a part-time, get-them-on-the-weekends dad.  Not fair to hubby but especially not fair to the boys. 

The boys were with me during the day while hubby worked and when he came home I went to work and the boys were with him.  In our home.  Well, there and Mother's because she lives right next door to me and they'd all go over and visit with her.  It worked.  There were days I couldn't stomach hubby but I knew I had made the right decision.  Living with each other during this time also allowed us to eventually talk things out like rational and mature adults.  Now granted, it wasn't overnight and it wasn't easy.  But I/we did it for the boys.

I'm not suggesting Gerard do what we did.  I'm merely trying to show where I'm coming from concerning the mother.  I know she was a selfish %^$# and I know she wasn't thinking of the children.  I get that.  But to call her a bad mother isn't right.

Let me take it a step further and ask you guys what would you think of the parents if they were swingers?  What if a couple with children had an open relationship where they had sex with other people.  Not out whore-dogging.  Not in front of the kids, obviously, but on their own time, like when grandma and grandpa kept them overnight.  Does that make them bad parents? 

I think this thread is becoming about something else besides a support thread so I would like to get back to being supportive for a fellow sweeper. I  really do hope that everyone involved will be able to do what's best for the children. If there is anything I can say to you gerard please let me know. Divorce is very hard and we are here for you even if all you want is to vent.

Cindy