If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the  San Antonio City Park .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL . Frank said, "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI #1 MIKE"S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge #1 --A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank) -- Holy nonsense, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.  I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI #2- AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge #1--Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3--Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI #3- FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge #2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Bar maid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

LI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge #1 --Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 -- Hint of like in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT. Just like the nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
 
CHILI #5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.  It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
 
CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chill. Good balance of  spices and peppers.
Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.  Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear end with a snow cone.

CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 --Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. ** I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 --You should put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of nonsense to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just stink it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach....

CHILI #8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge #1 --The perfect ending, this is a nice blend of chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, a well balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge #3 - No report.

MMMmmm.... I love chili