Here are some real, absolutely true, label instructions on consumer goods.

* On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."

* On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

* On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

* Some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."

* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: "Fits one head."

* On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: "Do not turn upside down" (printed on bottom of the box).

* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."

* On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."

* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive car or operate machinery."

* On Nytol (a sleep aid): "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

* On a Korean kitchen knife: "Warning: Keep out of children."

* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."

* On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."

* On Salnsbury's Peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts."

* On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

* On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."