NEEDING MARRIAGE ADVICE PLEASE!

[wdwfan]

Hello! I am needing some advice...this is long so please bear with me. I've been with husband for almost 10 years now. Dating, we were like best friends and inseparable and could talk for hours.We dated a year and got married in 2000. I also had a 5 year old at the time and he loved him like his own.3 months later, bought our #1house. We got along great for the first 2 years, investing in an RV(traveled alot which was fun),buying stuff for house, nice cars...the American dream. He's always been a delivery truck driver and his dream was to own his own company. We had had a son together by this time and he adored him.Well, we started getting into debt and I noticed he started getting greedy about money. Fights started about money.My father, out of the goodness of his heart, loaned my husband a substantial amt of money and he bought a truck and started his own biz. It went down hill from there. He started spending company money on going out to eat, golf trips and the money dwiddled down...he had to have this "image" of himself as a businessman but yet it put us furthur into debt. Well, after a year, the money was gone and he said we were claiming bankruptcy. I was devastated. I went along with it and the money fights continued. It got so bad, I asked for a separation. We separated for 3 months and during that time I went after my dream of going to culinary school and began it. Well, I let him come back home and he announces we are moving out of state...he has a job offer. I did not want to go but I wanted to be "the good wife" and I reluctantly went. It was a NIGHTMARE. I had never been far from "HOME" and I knew nobody. He made friends from his job and was gone constantly on "business outings". I got depressed and cried all the time. We came back home for a visit and while gone, our house we rented was broken into and valuables were stolen. I had had it..I wanted to go back home. So we came back home but had no home to go to and we moved in with his mom. Nightmare #2...then I found out while we were out of state, he was seeing someone at his job. Another devastation. Fights escalated by this time. I started seeing a counselor but husband refused to go. I found out that when he left his job, he left some unfinished business and was getting sued. We found an apt but now here is the 4 of us squished into a 2 bedroom apt. We lost everything...our house, nice cars, respect for each other,our friendship. Fights are near dangerous, he cusses constantly, has pushed me a couple times, calls me names, and is not the person I married and loved. He has changed so much and now,it has changed me. We tried church, which I loved but he gave that up. He is all about himself and if nothing benefits him, he will treat you like crap. We have talked about divorce and he "dares" me to try and leave and live without him! He has a HORRIBLE attitude and now I can honestly say his attitude and cussing and screaming at me has made me unattracted to him and I feel nothing for him. The kids are VERY attached to him though and would be very hurt if I left. But, what do I do? Stay miserable for my children? I have actually considered asking people from church if they know of a place that I could afford to get out of here. I want peace back in my life. And oh, he got sued and is paying back $40, 000. My dad is out over $30,000 from what he lended him and my parents will never see that money again so that upsets me.So, money is an issue AGAIN. All these hardships have turned us against each other. Fights are so bad he cusses at me in front of the kids and the kids are tired of it. What do I do? There are days when I get off of work that I wish I was going home to my own apt so I don't have to hear arguing. Please give me advice! I am a young 40 years and too old for this stuff. He is 7 years younger than me and we don't even have the same retirement dreams. I purposely take the kids and go out just so I don't have to be at home. What would you do? Thanks to all my fellow sweepstakers!

 

[3mnkids1]

Im so sorry. sounds like you have had a rough few years.. my 2 cents....


Get away from him now. He pushed you, he cusses at you... he is an abuser. period.

We have talked about divorce and he "dares" me to try and leave and live without him! He has a HORRIBLE attitude and now I can honestly say his attitude and cussing and screaming at me has made me unattracted to him and I feel nothing for him

Thats scary.

Fights are near dangerous, he cusses constantly, has pushed me a couple times, calls me names, and is not the person I married and loved

This is doing more damage to your children than you can imagine. you need to leave for your sake and theirs. once you get out and away from him maybe he would be willing to go to counseling.. if not, well then see a lawyer.

If he is threatening you it may be necessary to find a place to go too that he doesnt know about. It wont be easy but for your sake and your children you need to get out of this destructive relationship. Im really sorry you are going through this. Its never easy being in a relationship like this but with children its even worse. I hope you can get away from him.

 

[teresa690]

I'm very sorry to hear about all of the sorrow you are going through. I'm not going to tell you what YOU should do, but I would have left long ago. I grew up in a home like yours, and I can honestly say I always loved my dad, but I hated him just the same. If your husband is a Jekyll and Hyde kind of guy, then chances are he knows what he is doing, and he doesn't want to change. In my experience, it sounds like he has lost control of everything in his life but you, and whether he wants your marriage to last or not, he can't let go of the control. I agree with 3mnkids1 though, if you are truly scared of him, find some place safe to go and don't be afraid to bring the law into it. Abuse doesn't just go away!

 

[cinphi]

I wouldn't feel confortable giving you advice on such a serious issue but I will say a prayer for you and your husband.

 

[lisat821]

I will offer my opinion, along with my sympathies for what you're going through. I am so sorry about the money issues, but more importantly sorry for the feelings you're having (or not) about your husband and marriage.

I think, for yours and your childrens' sake that you're better off away from him. Definitely check with your church about options for low cost housing, jobs, childcare, etc. Someone will be able to help you and give you advice that you can use locally.

And, get all your ducks in a row before you actually leave--so that you're more confident in your decision and can feel more strongly about it when you actually go. Be sure you're protected both financially and physically (and your kids, too).

But do it. It will be really really hard, but in the long run, you will be happier. If he were willing to work on this, I would think differently, but he doesn't seem to be willing to do that.

Again, I am so sorry to hear about this.

 

[lidarkside]

I was married before with two children to a controlling, abusive person. I am remarried with two more children, and have the life I once fantasized about.

You really need to go into counselling and get yourself better mentally. You will then be better prepared and stronger to make the proper decisions to make the changes in your life that you need to make.

 

[ninja]

ok a guy's point of view on this, he is selfish only wants for him and his welfare, that is no good. He may have been fine then @ first but you don't need all the head aches life is too short, arguing is good but not that way. Seek a professional and it is obvious he does not want to, not a good thing. Money has a way of changing people who can't manage it, Marriage should not be like that.

 

[stella807]

I could tell he's been cheating on you a long time, before I read your post. Happiness is a choice. Good luck and God Bless