budgeting money....help??

ping1970 said:
It sounds like Rocky might also might be having problems with depression also. Spending is sometimes a coping mechanism...I did that after Momma and Pam died. Retail therapy ~ I had to stop though because I was getting out of hand and I knew it. I was just lucky that I got 'hooked' on SA as well. Maybe Rocky needs to find a new and cheap hobby with some new friends from the church or somewhere else. If his friends are a bad influence then he needs some new friends to do something with that will support him not mooch off of him!
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This is actually a great idea. Going out to dinner, maybe, with a group of church friends or whatever. That way he doesn't get taken advantage of and can still have fun.

Maybe I need to find me some church friends. The neighbor man across the street keeps mooching my beer! I told him last week if he doesn't bring his own he's SOL :laughing:

Seriously, is there anything you've been wanting to do as a family? Since summer, one of the things we like to do is buy a Little Caesar's pizza($5) or 2($10), make up a jug of lemonade or whatever and take the kids and niece to the park. It's like a picnic-park adventure for the kids and a "get away from it all" for hubby and I. And it's cheap!!!
 
btw I just felt the need to say, "I'm not a perfect person"
Usually when I whine about something, I hear... Well honey u married him.

well its true i did.
Before I met Rocky I was in a deep dark hole. I basically didn't care what kind of man I was with, as long as I was with someone that gave me attention. And I was determined to get pregnant by anyone. Luckily the man was Rocky. Yes Rocky has a lot of faults. But he doesn't hit me, doesnt abuse kailey.... maybe mentally abuses us sometimes. But it could be a lot worse.
I was not in the mental state to realize that Rocky would be a bad husband/parent... when it comes to money, and being around.
Now that i've had 5 years to grow, mature, and be stable on medicine.. I have realized all these things. And they scare me sometimes. I used to be mentally unstable. And I hated every minute of it. I don't wish that upon anyone, much less my daughter.
We have talked about me and kailey leaving Rocky, if it got really bad. Which it hasn't yet. So we stay. He is loving, and caring, he just gives to much energy on other people and not enough on his family.
What I need right now, is someone to take care of the bills, etc. Why I find myself. While I realize what I want in life, If I want to stay with Rocky forever. How would I support myself...etc.

And Rocky always says, Well christians don't get divorces. Well I think we can have a exception, because I wasn't really all there when I married him.
I went from being bipolar, to post tramatic stress disorder, or now just depressed.
Rockys always been ocd and depressed.
 
Wow, way too much going out!
Suggestions:
1. Call the electric company. Most will come out and do a FREE energy audit. They will tell you what to do to cut down on the bill. I think it's way too high.

2. You have to get a lower comcast bill. Again, call and renegotiate.

3. Call your insurance agent. Many times you can switch a few things to lower your bill, such as deductibles.

4. Stop buying so much fast food. Not only is it too expensive, it's not healthy for you.


Good luck!
 
Ok, I would definitely try marriage counselling. You AND Kailey are both being treated more than unfairly. If it was me, and keep in mind=I can be a total b*@ch at times, I would put it to Rocky like this:

I love you and Kailey. All I want is for us to have a good life together. Stress over money is really bad for a young family. I want to work out a budget with you that takes care of everything and allows us a little disposable money. Maybe we should have counselling through the church. If you don't want to work with me, then I don't see a future for our marriage. So.... if you don't want to make this work, I can have the state take it from you (22-25%) before you even SEE your paycheck. It's called child support. If you can't give it to me while we're married, then..... The ball is in your court.

Keep in mind that I know it's tough when you're young and in love. I know it's scary to think about taking a strong stance. But it's pretty clear that YOU are the strong one in this family. God bless you and I hope I didn't offend you. That is the way I would handle it and I'm 40 so I've already been "around the block". I know that everybody wouldn't handle it like me and that's OK. I just want you to have some relief. I'm sure your parents are seeing how Rocky is not ready to grow up. Have you taken the ultimate big girl pill and shown your parents the expenditure report? Maybe your dad could talk to Rocky. It will probably infuriate him (Rocky) but maybe coming from an older person, he might listen? :love: to you.
 
Well the fact that we have been married for almost 6 years. We have been fighting about the same thing always. Rocky hanging out with his friends, money, and house work. I've been doing alot of housework now. So Rocky cant argue about that anymore.

The thing about us being inlove. Yes I love him. But I think its more of as a friend or something. But I'm not sure because I have some screwed up views when it comes to men. (because of my past).
Rocky and I only knew each other for 3 months before we got married.
Weve tried counsling before, and it wouldn't work. I on one hand, am very open with my feelings, can tell anything. Rocky can't, he has a hard time telling his dr, or a counslor the problems he's having.
Everything in Rockys mind is a little off. The way he thinks doesn't really make sense. Because of his ocd. And his ocd, and his christianity have alot of fights with each other. I know that sounds wierd, but I will give you an example.
Say Rocky does something wrong. It could be... he told a lie, he said a cuss word, or something so little as he crossed over a double yellow line. Rocky will freak out over it. Won't forgive himself, and he will tell me that God is going to punish him over that. Sometimes he even goes as far as saying God will kill him, or kill me or kailey, because of something Rocky has done.
I don't believe God is like that. So when he talks his crazyiness, I try to ignore him, or sometimes try to explain why I think that doesn't make sense.
Alot of his thoughts are very self centered and selfish.
Also I can look at all the men in his family, they are all crazy. Seriously. His brother dropped out of highschool, didn't want to work, lived with his parents till he was 21, finally got married, and thats the only reason he works now. But he calls Rocky all the time, and talks about really insane things. Rockys cousin, is 30 something. Homeless, doesn't want to work, and goes from place to place. My parents tried to help him, by letting him rent thier trailer. Only $250 a month. He couldn't even pay that. Now hes living at Rockys paren'ts house.
Wayne, Rockys dad is crazy, gambles, spends money way too much.
They all yell and talk to themselves.
This is why I don't want to have a biological son. I see the pain they go through, and I don't want to pass that down.
I think that if it wasn't for me, Mil, and sil. The guys would all be crazy, and probably homeless.
 
If counselling didn't work the first time, it just means you didn't have a good counsellor and need to keep shopping around until you find one.

Your problems aren't going to just work themselves out.
 
Tiff he needs to get some help ASAP.. Im sorry but I wouldnt let someone who talked like that anywhere near my child. He needs to get on some medication or something. Thats scary. Does he talk like that in front of kailey?

The money stuff is important but he has mental issues that need to be addressed first. like yesterday.

I have ocd tiff.. what you are describing is not ocd. more like bi-poler or something.
 
3mnkids1 said:
Tiff he needs to get some help ASAP.. Im sorry but I wouldnt let someone who talked like that anywhere near my child. He needs to get on some medication or something. Thats scary. Does he talk like that in front of kailey?

The money stuff is important but he has mental issues that need to be addressed first. like yesterday.

I have ocd tiff.. what you are describing is not ocd. more like bi-poler or something.
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He does have a doctor that gives him medicine, he takes rispedal. But he goes off and on it. Theres nothing I can do about his mental issues. I have tried, told him he needs to stick with his medicines. But he doesn't listen. I tell him he needs to talk these issues out with his dr, or the preacher or someone. He wont.

Yes sometimes he talks like that in front of kailey, but usually its just around me. He has done it around his mom too.

2 nights ago, he went completely nuts on me. When I was talking to him about money. I was doing anything wrong, just explaining to him, that he needed to stop spending so much, and giving people money, etc.
He went crazy, cussed me out, told me to get a job, flicked me off, told me he didn't want to be married anymore. Screamed, cried, told me he was leaving. I told him we don't have any gas for him to use to leave.
So then he sat on the couch and cried.
Well I made kailey go in my room, and I read her a book.

Then about 15 mins later, he apologized, said he was horrible for doing that, that christians shouldn't do that, asked for me to forgive him. Then said God was going to kill him, because of that. He talked to his mom.

I told him I forgave him, I just wish he wouldn't go crazy like that, because its dumb. And we cuddled, kissed, and went to sleep.
I found myself wanting his attention, and his love. And it kind of made me mad.

Through these years I have learned to turn my body off to him. Not need him, not want him. And now I find myself becoming me normal, that it makes me want him to love me. I want him to hug me, kiss me, etc. Where those are normal feelings for a wife. But it scares me to have those feelings now. Because I know I will get hurt. (because of every other guy/man in my life) they just wanted sex, and nothing else.
 
3mnkids1 said:
Tiff he needs to get some help ASAP.. Im sorry but I wouldnt let someone who talked like that anywhere near my child. He needs to get on some medication or something. Thats scary. Does he talk like that in front of kailey?

The money stuff is important but he has mental issues that need to be addressed first. like yesterday.

I have ocd tiff.. what you are describing is not ocd. more like bi-poler or something.
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Yes, a one that suffers from bipolar, that sounds like what I used to go thru. It's called rapid cycling. He needs to be evaluated because bipolar disease can ruin families, finances, self-destruction, everything. I used to think God was going to punish me to until I became stable. Bipolar can cause delusions, confusion, inability to exercise self control, and in some cases, even hallucinations. Get him some help. If he is bipolar he will need meds for probably the rest of his life. Another problem with bipolar patients is that they get frustrated with their surroundings and the stress that living with it causes. Therefore, many times they feel their meds are not working and will refuse to take them. Also, when they are manic, they think they're fine and do not need the meds. Bipolar is also physically exhausting, especially with rapid cycling which I deal with every day or so. Even with meds. But I must take them, even though the dosages are frequently changed. Bipolar patients need structure and routine. It is as important as the meds. Just please get Rocky evaluated.
 
Yes, a one that suffers from bipolar, that sounds like what I used to go thru. It's called rapid cycling. He needs to be evaluated because bipolar disease can ruin families, finances, self-destruction, everything. I used to think God was going to punish me to until I became stable. Bipolar can cause delusions, confusion, inability to exercise self control, and in some cases, even hallucinations. Get him some help. If he is bipolar he will need meds for probably the rest of his life. Another problem with bipolar patients is that they get frustrated with their surroundings and the stress that living with it causes. Therefore, many times they feel their meds are not working and will refuse to take them. Also, when they are manic, they think they're fine and do not need the meds. Bipolar is also physically exhausting, especially with rapid cycling which I deal with every day or so. Even with meds. But I must take them, even though the dosages are frequently changed. Bipolar patients need structure and routine. It is as important as the meds. Just please get Rocky evaluated.

Wow that does sound like Rocky. ugh if this is a life long thing.... I don't think Kailey and I can deal with that. IT wouldn't be fair. I will try to call his doctor today. The problem is we don't have any insurance.
 
I was just thinking about something that you and a couple others hit on, tiff. I agree that he has some misconceptions on what is expected of him being a "good" christian. While his bi-polar plays a big part in it, it may also be what he's picked up on from others at church or other people that consider those same views as christians. "You're going to hell, you heathen, for cussing" or "you sinner! you'll burn eternally for doing that!" Those 2 things are probably weighing very heavily on his troubled mind. I feel bad for him.

It is scary that he speaks about God killing you and Kailey. More than scary, tiff. I think you know that and are scared too. And the huge change in personality, screaming, crying, cussing you out...those are manifestations of his mental issues.

Oh, man. This went from being about a budget to an intervention of sorts. I'm trying to say what I mean without stepping over a line here, tiff. If it was just about Rocky being immature and acting like a child that would be one thing. But it's not. He's not taking meds, he's cycling, he's impulsive, he's not making rational decisions, and he thinks God is going to kill you all for irrational reasons and voicing that in front of Kailey. Does he claim to hear voices? Has he ever been diagnosed with schizophrenia? Are you afraid he may try to hurt you and Kailey?

I know I'm full of questions but in my opinion this discussion just got real serious real fast! I feel maybe people in Rocky's life aren't taking his behavior seriously enough to keep everyone safe, including Rocky himself. It's beginning to sound like something that is way bigger than what a message board can do. I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to post what you have posted, sweets. It's just rather scary to the rest of us, especially where Kailey is concerned. And you as well. Almost sounds like something out of a horror movie, not to make fun. I had no idea you were dealing with stuff like this!
 
I will tell you this. All of the books we read, even one written by a COUPLE THAT BOTH HAD BIPOLAR(wild, huh), say that as the one who is not bipolar in the relationship, does need to step back and decide if they are willing to deal with it. I was very lucky with my hubby. He said it finally explained some incidences we had before. Also, he left one summer after I raged at him and threw him out. (for no good reason, I might add) I had already made him leave more times before than I care to remember. After my diagnosis, he said if he had known the problem, he never would have left before. Of course, Rocky has not had that diagnosis. If you want to have him evaluated, go to the county mental health clinic. They have them in GA, don't know about Fla., Anyway, they base their fees on a sliding scale (based on your income and outgoing expenses). Even if you don't have insurance, you can still get help there. I think if his heart is in the right place and he wants to do better, this might be the path for you two to take. It may not even be as severe as bipolar. I don't envy you or him. I do however know what you are both going thru. PM me anytime if I can help. :love:
 
completelyme said:
I was just thinking about something that you and a couple others hit on, tiff. I agree that he has some misconceptions on what is expected of him being a "good" christian. While his bi-polar plays a big part in it, it may also be what he's picked up on from others at church or other people that consider those same views as christians. "You're going to hell, you heathen, for cussing" or "you sinner! you'll burn eternally for doing that!" Those 2 things are probably weighing very heavily on his troubled mind. I feel bad for him.

It is scary that he speaks about God killing you and Kailey. More than scary, tiff. I think you know that and are scared too. And the huge change in personality, screaming, crying, cussing you out...those are manifestations of his mental issues.

Oh, man. This went from being about a budget to an intervention of sorts. I'm trying to say what I mean without stepping over a line here, tiff. If it was just about Rocky being immature and acting like a child that would be one thing. But it's not. He's not taking meds, he's cycling, he's impulsive, he's not making rational decisions, and he thinks God is going to kill you all for irrational reasons and voicing that in front of Kailey. Does he claim to hear voices? Has he ever been diagnosed with schizophrenia? Are you afraid he may try to hurt you and Kailey?

I know I'm full of questions but in my opinion this discussion just got real serious real fast! I feel maybe people in Rocky's life aren't taking his behavior seriously enough to keep everyone safe, including Rocky himself. It's beginning to sound like something that is way bigger than what a message board can do. I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to post what you have posted, sweets. It's just rather scary to the rest of us, especially where Kailey is concerned. And you as well. Almost sounds like something out of a horror movie, not to make fun. I had no idea you were dealing with stuff like this!
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Tiff, honey, I have to say I agree! We aren't trying to scare you just the opposite, we are saying this because we care. This might not be the best environment for you and Kailey right now, but I really don't know how safe it would be for you two to leave either. When a person has that much fear of judgment it can make them do crazy things, especially when they are convinced they are going to Hell anyway.

Religion is a wonderful thing to most people, BUT when you put religion in the hands of a person that is unstable and depressed it can become a scary and ugly thing. That isn't what God intended. I am not trying to judge Rocky here either, I am just trying to give you some words of advice, but you need to get some help.
 
Tiff, honey, I have to say I agree! We aren't trying to scare you just the opposite, we are saying this because we care. This might not be the best environment for you and Kailey right now, but I really don't know how safe it would be for you two to leave either. When a person has that much fear of judgment it can make them do crazy things, especially when they are convinced they are going to Hell anyway.

Religion is a wonderful thing to most people, BUT when you put religion in the hands of a person that is unstable and depressed it can become a scary and ugly thing. That isn't what God intended. I am not trying to judge Rocky here either, I am just trying to give you some words of advice, but you need to get some help.
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Exactly! All of it!! I don't want to give her advice and tell her to leave because I don't know how he'd react. He would probably feel he has nothing left to live for and it would be a. he tries to hurt them both as well as himself or b. he hurts himself, possibly fatally. And then add in he believes "good christians" do not get divorced. Even if she separated Kailey and herself from him, he's going to look at that as her leaving and divorcing him. But I don't want tiff to stay and her and Kailey be subjected to his mania either. Add to that the guilt tiff will feel about not supporting her husband like a good wife should.

Ugh. I don't know what to tell her. I'm seriously at a loss. I feel bad for Rocky as well. I can't imagine what goes through his mind on a daily basis. The pressure of being a "good christian," his cycling, his compulsions, etc. leisa painted a good pic for us on what his mind and body go through. She'd be good at talking with tiff about what she should do.
 
I can also add this, some religions say I am possessed by demons and I am not mentally ill. Personally, I think I'd know if I had a demon in me. :laughing: Hell, I might BE a demon. jk

Others say that mental illness is a form of punishment from God or that you "got it" from doing bad things. Hey, I've done bad things and I think God is a loving God and would not inflict this illness on anyone. I feel that God understands and is helping me to understand and deal with it, though I have lots of room to improve. Always, God is forgiving.

If Rocky is getting this God punishment thing from people at church, do not discuss this illness with them! (if he is diagnosed with it)Don't let him, either, if you can help it. The only person that will really be able to help him are loving family and friends, a PROFESSIONAL counselor, group therapy (I can't participate because I've become agoraphobic) maybe. If he is diagnosed, then he does not need to hang around those moocher friends and maybe not a lot with the males in his family. They will most likely try to take advantage of him. Another bipolar person who is STABLE may also be able to help him.

The books say that bipolar people should NOT manage family finances. When we are in a manic phase, we have no inhibitions (about many things) but spending and gambling are definitely on the forefront. As I have done, and believe me it is hard, I have my husband handle OUR money. Also, we are a very impulsive bunch. Many times I have bought something, got it home, and got some VERY strange looks from my family. (just something impractical, like orange stilettos) I have spent bill money and grocery money and made it very hard and stressful on my hubby. Now, he handles all financial decisions. I am allowed to participate and physically pay bills but only as the money is given to me. He will also give me maybe $20-$25 per week if we have it. I'll then go to Goodwill or Salvation Army to spend it. I get a lot of little stuff, crazy clothes (that I never wear), or books (my passion) In Rocky's case, give him the money and let him go to McD's or Taco Bell. (just kidding or not) He has to be WILLING to do this. He probably won't be right away. So, if you can't convince him, maybe you should get YOUR side of the family to step in. I don't know what to say. I tried to commit suicide 4 times in 1 1/2 years. God forgive me, once when my kids were in the house. I wanted to get better, I went to the mental hospital a couple of times. Now, I take my meds, listen to my doctors, pray for strength and discipline. I'm not well, but I'm better and I don't hurt anybody, including me.Sorry this is so long, I am not preaching, just reaching out. Now, I might be able to help somebody the way somebody helped me.
 
Tiff, sweetie there is so much going on with the both of you and you deffinately need some type of 3rd party help. Don't do it at the church, go to a certified therapist that doesn't have any bonds or ties to either of you.

Everyone has given you amazing advice, no one is trying to scare you but, it really sounds like there is more going on with Rocky "behind the scenes" of your marriage that you don't know about and you deserve to know the truth. The expenses raise some big red flags with me.
 
Ok, so we had a huge conversation today. It started out kind of "rocky" lol imagine that.
But it seemed to end well.
I tried to word my opions and arguments good, so that he couldn't possibly get his feelings hurt, or want to lash out at me. He did do that a little. But we had a good talk.
I gave him an iltimatime. ok cant spell that.
I said we either work this marriage out. You stop spending so much money, we go to counsling, Etc. Get help with your behavior. Or kailey and I will have to leave.
I told him that when he "goes crazy" it scares me, and makes me hate him, because I used to do that, and it makes me hate the person I used to be.
Well we are going to work at it, hes getting some more medicine, and we are going to try to set something up. maybe at a different church, where no one knows us.
But I gotta go for now.
I know that rocky won't hurt me or kailey. Weve had worse things happen to us, and the worst he has done was yell, or threaten to hurt hisself. But never has.
If I really thought I was in danger I would leave. Which I have in the past. And I have a big dad that Rocky is very scared of. So if anything happen to me or kailey. My dad would be on him, as soon as he found out.
Thank you for all your advice.
And I do think I need to be more involved in finances. I wasn't before because I was battling my own depression and lazyiness, and really thought it wasn't my job. Because I didn't make that money. But as I get older, I learn more and more things. And am learning to stand up for myself. Something I didn't know how to do when I first met Rocky. And I think that is kind of scary him, that I can start standing up for myself.
 
I have to back ya, tiff. You know your husband better than anyone. When my hubby cheated in 2003 friends were saying "leave him, cheatin' a#$ dog" and so forth and so on. No one knows him like I know him and I told them all to piss off. So, you'll get no dung from me on sticking by him. In fact, I think it would probably be best for Rocky. If you say he won't hurt you guys I believe you.

I'm so proud of you :love: You took the bull by the horns and handled it like an adult. I think the plans you have for your marriage and all of your guys' well-being is great!! Listen to leisa above all of us here who have posted in this thread. She has been wonderfully honest and insightful and will be able to give you the advice you may need. Go leisa! You're amazing for posting so openly and honestly! You are truly the stinky stuff, lady!! :laughing:
 
Great Tiff, I am so glad to hear that you are going to work this out and seek help with your marriage. I am also glad you stood your ground with him. Best wishes to you both.
 
Yep sounds like bipolar to me too. I know my ex husband has bipolar and it is a very crazy and bad life. He was spending money like crazy and would go nuts if he didn't have any. He started stealing money from me when I would tell him no more I needed the money for bills (I was the one supporting the family and holding the job). I had to finally put our children first and leave him. Our life together was a disaster, by the time we were divorced I had thousands of dollars in credit card dept, I lost my house. I struggled for years to get myself back from the disaster he created in my life all the while solely supporting our two kids. At one point it was so bad I went without a winter coat and lost 40 lbs because I did not have enough money for food and the kids needed new shoes. I can tell you it was the best thing I ever did was leaving him, he just would not admit he was sick and needed help. It was hell though I can tell you, he had me so brain washed that I could never make it on my own and that it was me that was crazy and had problems and that he thought he was just fine. So now it is 5 years after my divorce and I am doing so much better and it's like I have a whole new wonderful life. I have bought a gorgeous new home and I can pay my bills on time and I have plenty of money left over to spend as much money on groceries as I want. He on the other hand is still a mess, getting evicted from his rented apartment and calling me up asking me for money --- yeah right like I will give him any I mean he doesn't help me at all with raising our kids. And now I have the agony of finding out my oldest son has inherited his dads bipolar. While I have high hopes for him because I have invested all my energy and devotion to getting him the best treatment I can find, I still cant feel extremely sad and worried about him and what his future holds. Anyway sorry to ramble I only meant to post the symptoms of bipolar and off I went telling you my life story. What I really wanted to say is to be strong and deal with this head on because you seem like a very nice and smart person and you and your child deserve stability and happiness in your life, and that I dont think he can ever give you unless he gets stable.

Common signs and symptoms of mania include:

Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)

Common symptoms of bipolar depression include:

Feeling hopeless, sad, or empty.
Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy
Fatigue or loss of energy
Physical and mental sluggishness
Appetite or weight changes
Sleeping too much or too little
Concentration and memory problems
Feelings of self-loathing, shame, or guilt
Thoughts of death or suicide
 
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