I'm a terrible mother

[leisa10]

I suck!!!! :cussing: :cussing: I've got an 18 yr old who bought a truck with his dad's disability death settlement. He wrecked that truck, TOTALLED it in a week!!!!!! He won't do anything all day. He goes around the neighborhood getting high and drinking. He constantly asks for money. Doesn't feel he should pay rent, applied for jobs but nobody's hiring. Keeps telling me what kind of person would throw their own kids out in the street. (umm, I'm thinking me!) Offered to become a gigolo if that's what I want him to do (hey w/e works, :laughing:if you can get paid for it, go for it!)jk. The icing on the cake.....he's gonna blow his head off if I don't get off his ass. After all, he says, if he's dead he doesn't need a job. Help meeeeeeeeeeee. I've prayed, the one thought that sticks in my mind is lock the door. I'm one of those tho who doesn't know if God said it or the evil bitch mother in me. I KNOW I'm not doing him any favors. My g'father totally bailed me out of every situation I've been in. I came to take it for granted. I obviously grew up and I want him to. :cussing: :cussing: :cussing: :cussing: Thanks. I feel better now....oh, wait he and his friend (same thing going on w/him) are out in my front yard throwing berries at each other! :cussing: :cussing: :cussing: :cussing:Maybe I'll just kill him. Then, he won't need a job, right? JUST kidding... :cussing: :cussing: :cussing:

 

[pmeek]

:sunny: You aren't a terrible mother or you wouldn't even care enough to post the problem. It sounds like your son really needs some help. Death of a father at his age is really a tough one and turning to drugs and alcohol may seem to him to be his only coping mechanism. Please seek mental health services in your area to get him help, especially if he is ranting about killing himself. DON'T WAIT! He is posing a threat to himself and you and they take these threats seriously.

 

[3mnkids1]

First ya gotta take a deep breath. :laughing: At 18 he should definitely have a job or be in school. You arent a bad mother it just sounds like you are at your breaking point. I think we have all been there at one time or another. If he is making threats about killing himself it should be taken seriously. He may just being trying to get a rise out of you but he could be serious too.

Is there anyway you can sit down with him calmly and talk? Not while you are angry? Im sorry you are going through this and I hope you find a way to talk to him.

 

[completelyme]

You aren't a terrible mother. I don't know how many times I've said this very same thing about myself. And it's not true for those that think so :laughing:

All of the inappropriate behavior may stem from the death of his father or he may just be the typical, bratty, careless, lazy 18 year old who's giving you a guilt trip about him not wanting to get a job. Afterall, booze and drugs are much more fun that some stupid azz job(speaking from an 18 year old's perspective who doesn't want to get a job, of course).

You know your son better than any of us. What's your take on his threats about blowing his head off?

I haven't any advice because I haven't been in your shoes and don't know what I'd do if I were. My boys are 11 and 6, but I will say the 11 year old has his own job already LOL

 

[miki]

I don't have any good advice to give you but, wanted to give you a hug. You are not a terrible mother!

 

[tharedhead]

I had a 21 year old cousin who did blow his brains out (on father's day, in his Dad's driveway, after a stupid argument, I was just thinking about him what with father's day coming up )
What is your feeling about his willingness to carry through? :scratch:

 

[tigercheryl]

I am giving this advice out of personal experience with my son. Take him to a psychologist and have him tested for Bipolar disorder. At least read up on the disorder if you don't know anything about it. He might not have it but I've been in the same boat and would have never guessed that it was bipolar.

 

[tiffandrock]

You are not a terrible mother. Kids just go through crap years at different ages. Mine was 16-18, then after having a child and getting married, finding God, I grew up. I went from being bipolar, to post tramatic stress disorder, to now just depressed. I did attempt suicide 3 times, luckily I wasn't successful. My mom did everything in the world to help me. And if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here today.

Him being 18 though, is a little harder, since hes considered an adult now. But I think you should get him baceracted (put in a mental hospital) if you think he is going to hurt himself.
I think the drinking and getting high is messing his mind up, so hes not thinking clear enough, to want to be motivated to do anything in life. Just try to always be there for him. I don't mean bail him out. LIke if he gets arrested, make his butt sit in jail. But I mean emotionally be there for him.
You might want to think about getting a therapist for yourself. Or something. Maybe they can help you get stronger to where you can tell him off. He shouldn't be walking all over you. Especially at 18, its time for him to grow up.

Well hope this helps. And if you ever want to talk let me know. I know from experience (me being the messed up teen) That you could talk to me all you want. But it wasn't going to help till I got to the bottom, and there was nothing left of me. Then I wanted advice.

 

[leisa10]

Well, here's an update...BTW thanks so much for your thoughts and support. He told me he'd get a job or talk to a recruiter when HE feels like and when HE wants to. Then, I overheard him talking to his best friend aka fellow slacker. He told him to tell his mom that he's just gonna do himself in to get her off his back. God, WHERE did I go wrong? Now, I don't know what to do. We're moving @ the end of the month. He's thinking he's gonna go w/us. But,I can't afford to support him. To be honest, I don't want or feel I should have to support him. He got kicked OUT of school, got his GED and does nothing. :cussing: :cussing: :cussing:

 

[tharedhead]

Well, here's an update...BTW thanks so much for your thoughts and support. He told me he'd get a job or talk to a recruiter when HE feels like and when HE wants to.

Now that suicide is not a real issue, the Marine Corps does wonders with kids like that :sunny:

 

[ktshome]

leisa10,

Of you are a terrible mother, I don't know what that makes me - maybe more terrible?

All three of my sons were godawful, trust me, before they were 21 or 22. I had to kick 2 of them out before they were 18 - well, I sent them to their Dad (we were divorced). The third one went to his mother (I was the step-mother) AFTER a felony conviction for stealing computers from the high school. We tried EVERYTHING, my new husband, Mom, and me; believe me, we tried and tried and tried.

Lo and behold, AFTER each of them hit bottom, they turned around and by 22 (at the latest), they "got it."
Now, each of my three boys has a college degree, they work, 2 of them are married, and I have the greatest grandchildren!!!! And, they all live in Texas, after "traveling" for one or two years before they "grew up", and 2 of them live in Austin, near me (but not "next door"). And, I am SO very proud of all of them :sunny:

The main thing, I think, is not to "close the door" on your son. Leave it open a little bit. When I threw my sons out, I said something like, "When you decide to make good choices, my door will be open for you. Until then, don't come back, even for a sandwich."

Tell him that he isn't going to go to the new house; just tell him. Say that you love him dearly, but it's time to move out. Give him a deadline, and stick to it.

I know it's painful - god, do I know I thought, each time, that my sons were lost to me, and that I'd never see any one of them again. But, if you raised him right (and I KNOW that you did), the strength that you and God gave him will assert itself, and he will decide to make the right choices.

Hang in there... :3some:

Kate